Hello, hello, freethinker!
You know what feels pretty empowering sometimes? Saying, “F#&* the haters!”
I have used this more than once as a battle cry to leave spaces that teach people with identities like mine to stay silent (think woman, neurodivergent – and also people with disabilities, larger bodies, certain skin colors, gender identities or sexual preferences).
But if there’s one thing I’ve learned about Dominant Dogma, it’s that while in small doses, the message can feel empowering, on many other, more nuanced, and freedom-centered levels, it can actually lead to even more marginalization and polarization. There’s not a lot of room in this statement for regard and humanity – even if it does offer you a swift sense of empowerment… maybe even the internal push to set boundaries and speak our truth…
So how do you look deeper at your own integrity when you want to scream, “F#&* the haters”?
Tune into today’s episode of the Live Your Freedom Now podcast, and let’s go there.
In this episode, I explore:
- The Dominant Dogma of “F#&* the haters”
- Why this phrase and language can feel empowering, especially to marginalized groups
- How phrases like this can also lead to hate patterns, otherization, and exclusion
- The paradox around this being “a phrase overused by haters themselves.”
- The nuances of this phrase when used in place of grounded boundary setting & self-responsibility
- Why using more clear language is integral for cultivating humanity, regard, and reciprocity
- A call to try more nuanced self-talk than blanket statements such as this one
Listen to the episode wherever you like to listen to your podcasts or watch it now on YouTube!
Watch the episode:
Hello, hello freethinker!
Today, I am writing from one of my new favorite spots in Ventura, Harvest Cafe. I’ve set up shop in a corner close to the front window and have a delicious cashew milk chai latte sitting next to me on the table. The table is rough and made of rustic wood, and the ceilings are high, gently pushing forth music from within their industrial pipings. The sound of folks chatting is present, and the sun is streaming through the windows in a glowy morning fashion. As I sit here, I’m actively giving myself permission to belong. Especially when I’m getting comfortable in new spaces, I sometimes struggle to feel like I belong, so today is an exercise in claiming that for myself. I feel a bit nervous but also giddy and grateful I am claiming this for myself. I’m also excited as a friend will meet me in a few hours after completing my morning work session.
I am cultivating community.
I am safe.
As I pause to notice my inner and outer worlds, I encourage you to do the same. Notice where you are, the textures around you, the colors, and the sounds. Notice any emotions that are present in your system. Notice if there is anything that you desire to claim for yourself today. Make this an “I am” statement like I just mirrored, such as, “I am cultivating community, I am safe.”
In this practice, I encourage you not to judge or label any sensation, object, or the claiming you crave. Instead, simply notice, witness, and allow all parts of yourself and your experience to the table. This is a practice of personal freedom that you can utilize at any time.
Today, I am discussing a prominent Dominant Dogma that, like many narratives, can be incredibly powerful in small doses. However, when it becomes a dogma to live by, it can leave a path of destruction in its wake.
I am exploring the Dominant Dogma: F*** the haters.
Early in my healing journey, this Dominant Dogma was crucial to my growth. Living in a culture that teaches women, neurodivergent folks, disabled folks, fat folks, racial minorities, and other minorities to be silent, not take up space, and that who you are is broken, wrong, or bad, using language like, “F*** the haters” can feel like a necessary battle cry.
And it was.
I had to, and sometimes still have to, claim my voice and recognize that what other folks say and feel about me often has more to do with their unique journey than my own.
However, outside of this initial claiming, using such simplistic language tends to perpetuate hate patterns.
When beginning my research about this Dominant Dogma, the first result that stood out was in the Urban Dictionary. They (meaning the user shaynaynay) states that F*** the haters is, “a phrase overused by haters themselves.” – source
I can’t help but laugh when reading this, and, I agree.
While handing back unsupportive and harmful energy is SO important, no matter what phase of life and growth you are in, this phrase, “F*** the haters” is cultivating more hate.
It uses the language of otherization by removing personalization, contributing to polarization and exclusion instead of mirroring how to hold difference and set boundaries from a place of grounding and integrity.
Yes, F*** the haters is a boundary issue.
It’s an inner stability issue.
It’s a self-responsibility issue.
It’s a humanity and regard issue.
To find the freedom on the other side of this Dominant Dogma, let’s look at the definition of othering. According to the Oxford English Dictionary, othering is to “view or treat (a person or group of people) as intrinsically different from and alien to oneself.” In an article in Very Well Mind, Kendra Cherry expands on this by saying, “It is an “us vs. them” way of thinking about human connections and relationships. This process essentially involves looking at others and saying “they are not like me” or “they are not one of us.”” – source
By using language like “F*** the haters” you are swapping out a name and personal descriptor to distance yourself from realizing that other is a person. It keeps you from seeing that other has a mother, a father, they are someone with a past, a future, and so on.
Again, perhaps this is needed initially to claim your voice. However, if you want to move forward from the polarization that runs rampant in our world today, you must be willing to be more clear in your language.
If you want to cultivate humanity, regard, and reciprocity, for yourself and for others, you must be willing to be more clear in your language.
What do I mean by this, and why?
First the why: Because getting clear in your language invites nuance, it invites humanity, it invites having to deeply see yourself and others instead of crafting a smoke screen of hate.
What do I mean: Instead of saying, “F*** the haters” try saying, “F*** Sarah for stabbing me in the back with her words.”
Now we’re getting somewhere.
By being CLEAR with your words, by being honest with who hurt you and how, you can identify how you might need to tend to yourself, where your boundaries may need to change, and what it will take to cultivate inner stability so you can thrive despite Sarah and the world she is living from. Additionally, this clarity of language allows you to see that there is a human on the other side of this. A human, named Sarah, who yes, fucked up, and also, who has a world of complex experiences and Dominant Dogmas that they are dealing with as well.
Does this excuse poor behavior and harm? No, but it allows the conversation to go deeper so that true healing for self and others can be introduced as it is available.
So love, the freedom here is Clarity, Inner Stability, and Self-Responsibility.
Be clear with yourself and take care of yourself.
To wrap up today’s episode I want to read an excerpt from my brand new book that will be coming out sometime *fingers crossed* in the next few months.
“Within this book, I am offering a reframe of freedom. A reclamation from the mainstream and often self-centered freedom that preserves oppressive ideals. Traditionally, freedom is defined as the quality or state of being free. Living without necessity, coercion, or constraint, and liberated from traditional social and sexual roles. However, due to capitalism, colonialism, and other hierarchical systems, freedom has been bastardized into a harmful Dominant Dogma of its own. It’s been made into a mantra for inhumane action and used as an excuse to act without regard. In personal contexts, freedom is often thought of as being able to do whatever one desires, whenever one wants, however one wants, but it is clear this is not the case as we witness our planet face the ramifications of such narcissistic freedom. My desire is to redefine freedom by inviting humanity, regard, and reciprocity back into our personal Freedom Journeys. I will move forward with the assumption you are a helping, healing, and high-achieving (doing the best you can with what you have access to) human already seeking to leave the world better than when you left it. I am also going to assume you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be understanding, inclusive, sustainable, and the best human you can possibly be.
In this book, I’m inviting you to exhale.
Dominant Dogma teaches that freedom is out of reach, that there is not enough to go around, and that you must fight for your piece of the pie. However, Personal Freedom is far more spacious and accessible than what you’ve been told. Yes, there is so much room to improve on how we extend freedom to self, others, and the planet, but you can also choose freedom for yourself, right here and now.”
And that is where I am going to leave you today.
In two weeks I will share a bit more about the “Freedom on the other side” of this Dominant Dogma through an archetypal myth and musings of my own spirit that I hope will land with you.
Additionally, if deep in your spirit you want to feel empowered, share your creativity, live with freedom, and finally feel joyful again, then I would LOVE to work with you! My goal is to help you integrate the parts of you feeling afraid and unsupported, hand back the outdated cultural stories, and guide you to rise as the deeply, wildly, and holistically free human you already are. If this resonates and you want to work with me as your coach, your next step is to book a FREE Clarity Call with me! Head to megscolleen.com now to schedule your call!
I’ll see you in a couple of weeks: Freedom is yours,
Mentions & More:
- The term “F#&* the haters” on Urban Dictionary (and user shaynaynay’s observation that it is “a phase overused by haters themselves.”)
- The Oxford English Dictionary’s definition for “Othering”
- My book, (YEAH!) which will hopefully be coming out in the next few months. Stay tuned!
- My 1:1 coaching series. Book a FREE clarity call with me to get started: https://megscolleen.com/book-a-free-call/